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AUK Awards Descriptions



Monthly Core Awards

Kook of the Month

Every month special recognition is given to someone whose Kookery is judged to have surpassed all others. This is the Kook of the Month award (KotM), voted (somewhat informally) by the denizens of AUK.

Clueless Newbie of the Month

The Clueless Newbie of the Month (CNotM) is pretty much the same sort of thing as the KotM, but honors spectacular cluelessness on Usenet rather than Kookery. Actually being a newbie is not a strict requirement for eligibility; but the type of cluelessness being recognized needs to be of the sort typical of newbies. If someone has been on the net for some time and still acts like a newbie, they're eligible. As of March 1, 2012, this award is not repeatable.

Coward of the Month

Given to the best (as in, most noticeable) sockpuppeteer of the month. Anyone of any kind who uses a sockpuppet can get it; like the HL&S this award is not necessarily reserved for Kooks! You can nominate either the sockpuppet or if you know the real name behind it that person; either way, the sockpuppeteer gets just credit. The award is also given to people who don't follow up on threats. Or respond to hard questions. Or other cowardly acts AUK can be convinced of.
Also, given to the most cowardly, yellow-bellied Usenet chicken of the month. Anyone who meets the current month's eligibility bar can get it; like the HL&S and the Palmjob Paddle, this award is not necessarily reserved for Kooks!
Those who hide behind pseudoanonymous sockpuppets, to say and do things they would not normally say or do as 'themselves', usually make good candidates; you can nominate either the sockpuppet or if you know the real name behind it that person; either way, the sockpuppeteer gets just credit.
This award is also given to people who don't follow up on threats. Or respond to hard questions. Or other cowardly acts AUK can be convinced of.

Looney Maroon Award

The Looney Maroon Award is given based on the amount of childish, nonsensical, funny and downright ludicrous behaviour exhibited over a particular month. It is not meant to award the greatest overall Kook for that time, but is meant as a recognition of outstandingly looney behaviour by an individual or group, real or anonymous, animate or robotic. Nominees from Usenet and beyond are eligible.
To win the LMA, a candidate must most strongly meet a majority of the following criteria:
  • Show intelligence off the deep end of the bell curve
  • Consistently say things that are hideously nonsensical
  • Prove themselves wrong while pretending to be an 'expert'
  • Exhibit a passion for metaphorically banging their head against a wall
  • Be profoundly ignorant
  • Persistently refuse to allow themselves to be enlightened
  • Demonstrate a gift for false prophecy
  • Regularly cite questionable sources of information as 'fact'

Golden Killfile

Given to the most killfile-worthy net.kooks on Usenet. This award recognizes exceptional killfilable merit; if you are unworthy enough to be ignored by everyone on the face of the earth, you are eligible for this award.

Joseph Bartlo Pathetic Anal Pineapple Award

The "Jojo Pineapple" is awarded every month to the Usenet poster who best establishes a pattern of stupidity, idiocy, moronism, silliness, cretinism and general kookery in a way exemplified by the eponymous founder of this award, Joseph "Foamboi" Bartlo.

Bob Allisat Memorial Hook, Line & Sinker

A counterpart to the Pierre Salinger HL&S (see below) for those who are so gullible that they not only swallow the hook but leap into the boat, gut and scale themselves, and make recipe suggestions for their cooking.

Palmjob Paddle

Named for the most-spanked person in the history of the Internet, Wilhelm Palmer (Bill Palmer, aka "Palmjob"), the self-styled Flame Giant who has never won a single flamewar in his existence. This award is given to the person who gets spanked (as in, thrashed) the most in a given month, be it by their opponents or even their own hand.

Tony Sidaway Drama Queen Award

For those logically consistent persons who leave Usenet for ever, rather more often than the Cabal's rules require. It isn't necessary to leave Usenet for ever three times in a single week to win this award, but it helps. Operatic flouncing of other kinds, including unprovoked meltdowns and ridiculous ranting may also lead to a nomination for this award. Named after Drama Empress Tony Sidaway.

Victor von Frankenstein Weird Science Award

Given to those inspired, pioneering visionaries with their worthy inventions, institutions, and prides-of-joys, who have reasoned it out, who KNOW The Answer, who would know how to use it to make for a better humanity... if only somebody would listen to them.

Douglas Grant Medal For Historical Revisiomism

This award was instituted to honor the best example of pseudohistory during a given month.  Qualifying posters must display true pseudohistory, including deliberate historical revisionism, but hilariously bad misinterpretation of history and even spectacular ignorance of historical facts above and beyond the usual cluelessness exhibited by the run-of-the-mill net.ko0k will also qualify.

 

 

 


Ko0K Combat Awards

George Pickett Memorial Trophy

For that which does the greatest impression of Pickett's Charge in any given month. Winning the Pickett Trophy generally requires the sacrifice of common sense, decency, and reputation to win an unwinnable argument, to reverse an imperceptible slight, or overcome an insurmountable barrier.

George Armstrong Custer "Kicked @$$" Award

Given to those brave, inspiring crusaders who will keep up a lost lunatic cause despite all odds, even after the enemy has won, set up their own superpower in their midst and are chugging Guinness in a Kook-free world scenario.

Special Ops Cody Memorial Purple Heart

In proud remembrance of the children's toy who sacrificed his life in Iraq for the cause of freedom, this award is given to net.kooks whose attempts at Kooky Kombat go spectacularly wrong. Use of grenades made of solid rubber is one possible sign of worthiness for this honour.



Lifetime Achievement Awards

Bobo Award

The ultimate achievement in the Kook Arts. Given in recognition of the lifetime work of those who rise above and beyond the call of net.looniness, the Bobo is reserved for those whose sheer quest at whatever it is they're pursuing knows Absolutely No Bounds, whether they be global humiliation, jail time, even death. Several Bobo honorees are, in fact, in jail or deceased. Think of it as the Internet's version of the Darwin Award.

Kluck Lysaght "Tar & Feathers" Award

A lifetime achievement award, reserved solely for those who suffer from Terminal Cluelessness; for those most highly incorrigible past all hope crusaders who in another time and reality would've been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail. Preferably one with a bridge out. Over a canyon.

Busted Urinal Award

The reward for the Lamest of the Lame on Usenet. One who clogs and stinks up the joint like a busted urinal, you could say.

Unabomber Surprise

This award is intended to honor those who have the gift for saying the least with the most. Those who, for some reason only they may fathom, more than all others crave the art of saying infinite amounts of Nothing... and are PROUD OF IT.

Goofy Azzed Babboon

This award commemorates Kookistic achievement in the linguistic arts. Of any language. To be awarded for categorical instances of such achievement, but if a fully separate category of it is exhibited by said Kook then they can win it more than once. There is no statute of limitations here; one should award net.kooks of the past as well as the present. Linguistic butchering is, we believe, a demonstrably proven Kook Art. If the person's inability to use language comes from their inexperience with it they do not qualify. Kooky language must come from Kooky thought.

72 Raisins "Crackpot Religion" Award

Name says it all, functions the same way as VVF (meaning the religion need not even be meant to be real, so long as it's good crackpot theology).

Bolo Bullis Foam Duck

The spoonerism for "dumb fuck", for those who've lost more marbles than a Chinese Checker factory will ever make.

Order of the Holey Sockpuppet

A special Kookternity comprised of those most prolific in the art of, abiet thinly, disguising their net.presence behind whatever nose and glasses they can concoct. A Kook Art that came into its own, and received its name, from the work of the late purveyor to the cotton-bound masses, Earl Curley.

Kenny McCormick Memorial Medal

Named after the famed South Park boy wonder, this medal is given to they who lose 5 or more Internet accounts as a result of their net.kookery, but keep coming back for more, to be killed off again and again and again.

Balsa Gavel

The Balsa Gavel is a special award, to be given by vote in recognition of outstanding Kook legal practice on the Internet. Simply spouting legal innuendo and threatening lawsuits does not meet this high bar; this happens as often as top-posting. This award goes to actual Kook legal practice, such as a lawsuit manifesto when you ARE an actual attorney; playing an attorney on Usenet; impersonating an officer of the law; dragging your opponents into court; all sorts of possibilities.



Miscellaneous Ko0K Awards

Barbara Woodhouse Memorial Dog-Whistle Award

Named in honour of the skilful dog-trainer who became a British TV personality in the 1980s, this award is given jointly to the best trained net.kook in any given month and to his or her trainer. Possible examples of good training include obedience to one's owner's commands to reply to posts, and devotion in following one's owner around from group to group and through the Google archive. House-training, which, regrettably, is a rare accomplishment for a kook, isn't a prerequisite. Woof.

Edmond Wollmann Memorial Rubber Turkey

Named in honour of the greatest of all Christmas Day kook-outs, this award honours those who would rather spend public holidays frothing continously on Usenet than risk contact with human beings in real life.

Fr00tcake and Bag of Coal

Special awards just in time for the holidays.
Nominations are only considered after the FNVW announces an explicit "Call for Nominations".

Kook of the Year

A just reward for the best Kook of the Month, the Kook of the Year award (KotY) is elected from the list of all Kooks of the Months, of past and present.
Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.

Rookie Kook of the Year

Like Kook of the Year, the Rookie Kook of the Year award (RKotY) is elected from the best among the past year's Kooks of the Month.
Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.

Coward of the Year

Awarded to the most deserving of the year's Coward of the Month winners.
Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.

Bardley Annual "Whining Baby New Year" Award

The Bardley Annual "Whining Baby New Year" Award is presented annually to the greatest crybaby on Usenet in a given year.
All holders of the AUK Office of Darth Bawl in said year are automatically selected as candidates. Nominations for additional candidates are also considered in alt.usenet.kooks during the month of January. The winner will be determined by popular vote on the regular January AUK ballot of each year.

Jayne Kulikauskas "Chump of the Summer" Pin

Once a year, the voting population will have the opportunity to elect an award-recipient for this presigious honour via a write-in campaign on the August ballot. Named after "one of Usenet's most gullible people of all time" (in her own words) - Jayne Kulikauskas, devoted housewife and soc.man sympathiser extrordinaire, who was exposed as a fool of epic proportions for two consecutive summers.
(Definition of "CHUMP" - n. A stupid or foolish person; a dolt.)
Nominations are only accepted after the FNVW announces an explicit "Call for Nominations".

Richard M Nixon Memorial "Pathological Liar" Award

An occasional award -  for those Usenet posters who are incapable of ever telling the truth. 
Nominations are only accepted after the FNVW announces an explicit "Call for Nominations".

Emmett Gulley Obsesso Award

A special award - reserved solely for the most obsessive, stalker kooks on Usenet.
Presented either by executive decision , or by acclamation after an announcement by the FNVW.  Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.

AUK Offices

Village Pump Award
A special award "in recognition of the fact that anyone without any effort
whatsoever can make him gush word spew, like it says 'more than pwned, a
public utility, socialized.'  It is different and means much more than the
Busted Urinal and Unabomber Suprise; digital logorrhea at the slightest (turn
of the) tap.  More than pwned.  A public utility.  Socialized."

AUK Mascot


"The AUK Mascot is AUK's pet kook or resident fanboi; reserved for
those rare kooks who usually seem to enjoy AUK's attention (or at least
tolerate roughhousing) and whose antics provoke widespread amusement;
elected annually, during the month of May, to serve a one-year term.

Should the AUK Mascot disappear from Usenet during his term for 60 days
or more, the FNVW would then have the option to call for a special
recall election in which the MIA mascot would be replaced by another
suitable net.kook."

Darth Bawl -

This office is held by Usenet's biggest crybaby.

Village Idiot -

The name says it all.


Kooki Information Minister -

Named in honour of Iraq's Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, this office is held by the kook whose claims are most noticeably at variance with known facts.


Ministry of Circle Jerks -

Although many kooks are lone wolves, a few like to make friends with those who are as delusional as themselves. This office rewards the slurpfests that often ensue.

Tinfoil Sombrero

An executive award, a Vote Wrangler's privilege, to grant to those out there who would seek to overthrow the Friendly Neighborhood dictatorship of this froup. Time and again various Kooks have attempted to either hijack the awards, start votes of their own, or give the FNVW a free non-expenses-paid ticket to the Motel Deep 6. This should never go unpunished. Such insubordination goes beyond the normal bounds of those wacko enough to wear the tinfoil hat, therefore, the FNVW shall have the privilege of granting the TINFOIL SOMBRERO, upon receipt of substantial enough evidence of said insubordination.
Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.



Awards for Merit

Order of Lenin for Usefulness (1st Class)

"A unique award, the Order of Lenin for Usefulness has been created to recognize kooky service on behalf of kookology in general and AUK in particular. The Order of Lenin for Usefulness is very similar to the proposed Loose Cannon Award, and is therefore not exactly a kook award, but not exactly a merit award either. As such, it fits someone who will gladly serve kookology while still being recognized as a kook. " 

Order of Lenin for Usefulness (2nd Class)

"A unique award, the Order of Lenin for Usefulness (Second Class) has been created to recognize service on behalf of kookology in general and AUK in particular by people who are neither recognized kooks nor kookologists. While similar to the original Order of Lenin (now to be called the Order of Lenin (First Class)) in recognizing actions that benefit kookology, this one is intended to recognize those independent, apparently non-kooky souls whose efforts on the Internet, accidentally or intentionally, have benefited kookology in general and AUK in particular by bringing new kooks to AUK's attention, or inducing previously difficult to capture kooks to remain in view long enough to earn awards." 


Pierre Salinger Memorial Hook, Line & Sinker

The Hook Line & Sinker (HL&S) is a different breed of award, a reward for the best, most inspired trolls on Usenet. Talent at wily yet ultimately harmless manipulation is worthy of public recognition; it gets laws passed all the time. Named in memory of the Usenet troll who rose so far as to successfully troll the American media into reporting his theory that the Navy shot down TWA Flight 800.

Hammer of Thor

The Hammer of Thor is awarded to individuals for demonstrating excellence in the practice of Net.Kookology - either for exceptional kookological achievement in a single month, or in recognition of a respectable degree of kookological achievement over the span of a Kookologist's lifetime career.  The ratio of 'yes' to 'no' votes necessary to win this award is 3:1.

Diamond Hammer of Thor

The rarer, more exclusive counterpart to the Hammer of Thor, the D-HoT is presented by executive decision to only the most exceptionally outstanding Kookologists in Usenet history.
Nominations are *not* accepted for this award.

Gene Spafford "Usenet Samaritan" Award

The "Spaffie", for short, is a monthly award dedicated to those individuals who do their damndest to make sure that the immense, convoluted, heinous waste-of-time that is USENET runs in some semblance of order and sanity. Nominees for the Spaffie must have gained distinction on Usenet alone. They can be outstanding career spamfighters, newsgroup anti-abuse fighters, or people who have generally worked to make Usenet a better place for all.

Jim Nitchals Memorial "Internet Samaritan" Award

The Nitchals Award is the rest of the Net's counterpart to the Spaffie. Named for the one, now martyred, person that best exemplifies the values the award exists for. All net.samaritans outside of the realm of Usenet are encouraged to be nominated for this honour.