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1. What is this newsgroup, alt.usenet.kooks (AUK)? A mass of electrons spread out upon bandwidth scattered across the globe for the express purpose of separating the wheat from the chaff of the net. |
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2. This is a joke, right? RIGHT?!! No more a joke than the fact that ISPs let people on every day who have nothing better to do than annoy their neighbors enough to win by popular vote silly little awards created for just such buffoons as them. |
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3. What's this newsgroup for? The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks is for the discovery and discussion of Kooks on Usenet and the Internet. These people are known technically as net.kooks. |
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4. What's this newsgroup NOT for? This group exists for recreational Kookology, not for Very Personal Vendetta. It is not to be used for general harassment of someone, or for net abuse such as spamming and flooding and cancelbombing in an attempt to gain vengeance on someone or get the denizens of AUK to shut up. Either way, it won't work, it's very messy, "Bob" will give you triple your money back, and you don't get a life. Also, we [tinw] are not in the business of harassing the vulnerable or the insane. Occasionally an apparent net.kook proves to be genuinely ill. In such cases the person is disqualified from winning awards and other posters are asked to avoid exarcerbating his or her problems. Similarly, trolling or kook-hunting in support groups is strongly discouraged. |
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5. Who let this newsgroup in here, and why wasn't I notified? That's what you get for hogging the Beer Fund. (Here you can enjoy the flick fruits of your labor that started it all, from our one and only, Colonel Jake™.) |
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6. Who is a net.kook? If you post uniquely strange, preferably incomprehensible articles, or you manifest a persistent, extreme, and somewhat bizarre obsession, you just might be a net.kook. And more. It is important to note the subtle distinction between a net.kook, a net.cretin, a clueless newbie, troll, or garden-variety @$$hole. The newbie, one hopes, can acquire a clue on the installment plan even if he can't afford to buy one for cash; the cretin is merely stupid and/or irritating; the troll makes a fool out of himself by making a fool out of you, the @$$hole is, well, simply that. But a TRUE net.kook has a special fascination derived from his/her/its utter ineffability. Their behavior is irrational, if not downright weird, but they are seldom merely boring. It is not considered appropriate to nominate clueless newbies, trolls, or longwinded spambrains as net.kooks. It is acceptable to nominate net.cretins, or simply to present them, without nomination, for whatever minor amusement value they may have; but the real focus here is on net.kooks in all their raging, indomitable glory. Important Disclaimer: the fact that someone has been proclaimed a net.kook does not imply any psychological diagnosis in and of itself. A net.kook may or may not be clinically insane; that is not the concern of the AUK audience. We hope. |
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7. Can you show me a few examples? I'd rather not, but it may help to clarify things...
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8. How do I present a Kook on this group? The preferred technique is to get the suspected Kook to start posting to AUK so that we can all see him/her/it in all their first-hand Glory. You can do this by posting followups to the suspect's weirder messages, with your followups nonchalantly crossposted to AUK. If the suspect responds to your messages without editing the Newsgroups line, you've achieved your goal. Another acceptable method is to repost, complete and unedited, one or two of the suspected Kook's recent rants. If you do this, please provide a brief intro in the header describing what the hell you're doing, such as indicating who this person is, what group you found the message on, or why you think the rest of us should give a rat's @$$ about it. You should be aware that if you try this with some perfectly reasonable posting, you may be flamed to net.hell and back and probably suspected of being a net.loon yourself. It is also considered extremely lame to nominate someone as a Kook simply because you have lost, or at least failed to win, a debate with them; persistently doing so is likely to get you nominated for Kook Awards. That someone fails to perceive the self-evident, unassailable wisdom of your viewpoint does not, in and of itself, constitute Kookery. |
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9. What are the Kook Awards? The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks offers a variety of widely-recognized and highly dubious honors for your service, applying to net.kooks everywhere. They recognize several kinds and many levels of net.kookery. Here is a detailed list of AUK awards and descriptions. |
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11. Are there any holidays in AUK? Why yes, there sure are:
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12. What should I do if I'm paged on the Red Courtesy Telephone? Give the caller Gandalf the Gray's speech to the demon. Verbatim. |
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15. Where can I find out more about net.kooks? Several mini-FAQs on classic kooks of the past and present (along with several non-kooky legendary netters) are available on the World Wide Web in various archives. Be sure to set aside coffee and cats before reading. |
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16. What are the AUK Offices? As well as the kook awards, kooks may compete to hold office for a month or longer. Nominations are made in exactly the same way as for awards; the difference is that the previous holder of the office always appears on the ballot paper when a new candidate emerges, and the winner remains in office until challenged again. At present, the offices are as follows.
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17. Are there any net.kook awards outside of AUK? At various points of time there have been several, from the Christian groups' Steebie Award to alt.fan.art-bell's Angstrom Medal. At least two newsgroups, talk.politics.guns and comp.systems.mac.advocacy, have given out their own Kook of the Month awards. Check around from time to time to see what other net.kook awards might be around. |
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18. What is the Cabal? From the beginning of Usenet time, there has been but one force capable of holding it in check to remain in the realm of mortal existence. For today's Usenet world you need a Giant. A Behemoth. A Cabal of IMMENSE PROPORTIONS. A REALLY *BIG*CABAL* to offer all news ORDER. Within this force is the most ruthless and efficient organization on all Usenet, known as the Cabal Obsidian Order (COO). If *YOU* wish to know of this entity, read, learn, and do as you will. SEE THE LIGHT OF COLLECTIVE WISDOM!!! A. I *SAID*, what is the CABAL?There Is No Cabal. Long Live The Cabal. B. How does the Cabal function??As well as any apocryphal organization can hope to function. C. What are the weaknesses of the Cabal?<chortle> What weaknesses? D. What is the hierarchy and power structure of the Cabal?Oh, you don't need to know that. Really. You can trust us, especially when it comes to information you haven't paid for. E. What is the Cabal Obsidian Order?The Cabal Obsidian Order (COO) is a profoundly secret collective of operatives designed to outrun, outgun and Eliminate the most vile scum and villainy the net has to offer. F. How do I know if the COO is responsible for something?If the COO's operatives are doing their job correctly, they'll be laughing at whoever is actually responsible. G. Who are the leaders of the COO?Leaders? Where we function we don't need Leaders. H. What is the Beer Fund?The more you contribute to it, the more we will tell you. I. How may I apply to become an operative of the COO?Pitiful begging at the Vote Wrangler's feet might help. Then again it might not. |
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19. Who is the FNVW? Why, our highly esteemed Friendly Neighbourhood Vote Wrangler (FNVW), whose benevolent supreme dictatorship runs the electoral wheels of our great realm. Seven fearless folk have served, with distinction: AUK VOTE WRANGLERS
On retirement, Phoenix accepted the high office of Friendly Neighborhood "Bob"father. |
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20. Do I have what it takes to BE a Vote Wrangler? <chortle> If you have to ask, you don't have what it takes. |
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21. Who do you %$#@!s think you are to oppose ME, Lord High Poster-Child of the Macrocosmic Universe? We are the ones who can and will humiliate your @$$ if you use our group as your personal piss bowl. You are a freak of the universe. You do not give the orders here. And whether you like it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. |
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23. Should I expect ONE CONSISTENT response to my rude and obnoxious online behavior from the denizens of AUK? Absolutely NOT. |
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24. To whom should I complain if I think I have been treated unfairly? <Darth Vader> |
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25. What kind of response can I expect as a result of my stupid online behavior at AUK? Guilty party receives one or a combination thereof of the following assorted reactions (not at all limited to these, mind you):
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26. Can I really be kicked off my ISP for... Being a total @$$hole?If you try hard enough. Top-posting like the pathetic imbecile that I am?Usually not, but we can always try. Forging someone else's valid e-mail address?Absolutely. Posting multiple copies of the same message to individual news groups (Excessive Multi Posting [EMP])?Of course. It's the SPAMMING, stupid. |
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27. Can I really be thrown in jail for posting threatening messages? Yes. People have been tried and convicted for sending threatening or harassing Email or Usenet posts. We do NOT support censorship of the Internet; however, posting a message stating you are going to cause virtual or unvirtual harm to someone will probably gain you a visit from your Friendly Neighborhood FBI Agent. |
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28. Fine. I'll just remain anonymous. That'll work, right? BWWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try it, pinkboy. An anon remailer service can be forced to turn you in for copyright violation, harrassment, stalking; you name the crime - they've got the time. If you ran an anon remailer service what would be the point of protecting flagrant abusers of the net and the Law?? |
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29. Okay, then I'll bust your #$%&$*!! @$$ off AUK instead! Uh... yeah. Many denizens of AUK are abuse admins, know abuse admins, sleep with abuse admins, or otherwise have years of experience dealing with and educating others about precisely your kind of dubiosity. A good account is a terrible thing to waste, so don't sacrifice yours on our altar. |
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30. I just realized I am a Maroon. How can I improve my standing in the eyes of the Internet, my balloon doll, and, most importantly, "Bob"? REPENT. The End is always near. |