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Official Alt.Usenet.Kooks FAQ


[Frequently Asked Questions]


1. What is this newsgroup, alt.usenet.kooks (AUK)?
2. This is a joke, right? RIGHT?!!
3. What's this newsgroup for?
4. What's this newsgroup NOT for?
5. Who let this group in here, and why wasn't I notified?
6. Who is a net.kook?
7. Can you show me a few examples?
8. How do I present a Kook on this group?
9. What are the Kook Awards?
10. Who the FSCK appointed YOU net.kookologist/god/nazi etc.
11. Are there any holidays in AUK?
12. What should I do if I'm paged on the Red Courtesy Telephone?
13. Is alt.usenet.kooks archived anywhere?
14. What should we do about the book?
15. Where can I find out more about net.kooks?
16. What are the AUK Offices?
17. Are there any net.kook awards outside of AUK?
18. What is the Cabal?
19. Who is the FNVW?
20. Do I have what it takes to BE a Vote Wrangler?
21. Who do you %$#@!s think you are to oppose ME, Lord High Poster-Child of the Macrocosmic Universe?
22. That was MEAN, just plain MEAN!!!
23. Should I expect ONE CONSISTENT response to my rude and obnoxious online behavior from the denizens of AUK?
24. To whom should I complain if I think I have been treated unfairly?
25. What kind of response can I expect as a result of my stupid online behavior at AUK?
26. Can I really be kicked off my ISP for...
27. Can I really be thrown in jail for posting threatening messages?
28. Fine. I'll just remain anonymous. That'll work, right?
29. Okay, then I'll bust your #$%&$*!! @$$ off AUK instead!
30. I just realized I am a Maroon. How can I improve my standing in the eyes of the Internet, my balloon doll, and, most importantly, "Bob"?


1. What is this newsgroup, alt.usenet.kooks (AUK)?

A mass of electrons spread out upon bandwidth scattered across the globe for the express purpose of separating the wheat from the chaff of the net.

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2. This is a joke, right? RIGHT?!!

No more a joke than the fact that ISPs let people on every day who have nothing better to do than annoy their neighbors enough to win by popular vote silly little awards created for just such buffoons as them.

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3. What's this newsgroup for?

The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks is for the discovery and discussion of Kooks on Usenet and the Internet. These people are known technically as net.kooks.

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4. What's this newsgroup NOT for?

This group exists for recreational Kookology, not for Very Personal Vendetta. It is not to be used for general harassment of someone, or for net abuse such as spamming and flooding and cancelbombing in an attempt to gain vengeance on someone or get the denizens of AUK to shut up. Either way, it won't work, it's very messy, "Bob" will give you triple your money back, and you don't get a life.

Also, we [tinw] are not in the business of harassing the vulnerable or the insane. Occasionally an apparent net.kook proves to be genuinely ill. In such cases the person is disqualified from winning awards and other posters are asked to avoid exarcerbating his or her problems. Similarly, trolling or kook-hunting in support groups is strongly discouraged.

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5. Who let this newsgroup in here, and why wasn't I notified?

That's what you get for hogging the Beer Fund.

(Here you can enjoy the flick fruits of your labor that started it all, from our one and only, Colonel Jake™.)

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6. Who is a net.kook?

If you post uniquely strange, preferably incomprehensible articles, or you manifest a persistent, extreme, and somewhat bizarre obsession, you just might be a net.kook. And more.

It is important to note the subtle distinction between a net.kook, a net.cretin, a clueless newbie, troll, or garden-variety @$$hole. The newbie, one hopes, can acquire a clue on the installment plan even if he can't afford to buy one for cash; the cretin is merely stupid and/or irritating; the troll makes a fool out of himself by making a fool out of you, the @$$hole is, well, simply that. But a TRUE net.kook has a special fascination derived from his/her/its utter ineffability. Their behavior is irrational, if not downright weird, but they are seldom merely boring.

It is not considered appropriate to nominate clueless newbies, trolls, or longwinded spambrains as net.kooks. It is acceptable to nominate net.cretins, or simply to present them, without nomination, for whatever minor amusement value they may have; but the real focus here is on net.kooks in all their raging, indomitable glory.

Important Disclaimer: the fact that someone has been proclaimed a net.kook does not imply any psychological diagnosis in and of itself. A net.kook may or may not be clinically insane; that is not the concern of the AUK audience.

We hope.

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7. Can you show me a few examples?

I'd rather not, but it may help to clarify things...

  • The person who posted a handful of meaningless, ill-formed newgroup messages on May 21, 1994 was a Clueless Newbie.
  • The person who hung around alt.religion.kibology during April and May 1994, constantly posting boilerplate "warning" messages telling people that ARK messages were intentionally meaningless, was a net.cretin.
  • The people who post demented "scientific" theories, like Archimedes Plutonium's concept of the universe being one giant atom of plutonium, and seem incorrigible to criticism, are moderate net.kooks.
  • The sort of being who constantly raves about the conspiracy against her/him/it is an extreme net.kook, especially if he/she/it automatically assumes that anyone who questions their world-view is an agent of the conspirators or is an ultra right-wing/left-wing extremist, and hides behind an anonymous remailer to avoid "persecution" even though they would get one hell of a lot less of it by not posting at all.

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8. How do I present a Kook on this group?

The preferred technique is to get the suspected Kook to start posting to AUK so that we can all see him/her/it in all their first-hand Glory. You can do this by posting followups to the suspect's weirder messages, with your followups nonchalantly crossposted to AUK. If the suspect responds to your messages without editing the Newsgroups line, you've achieved your goal.

Another acceptable method is to repost, complete and unedited, one or two of the suspected Kook's recent rants. If you do this, please provide a brief intro in the header describing what the hell you're doing, such as indicating who this person is, what group you found the message on, or why you think the rest of us should give a rat's @$$ about it.

You should be aware that if you try this with some perfectly reasonable posting, you may be flamed to net.hell and back and probably suspected of being a net.loon yourself. It is also considered extremely lame to nominate someone as a Kook simply because you have lost, or at least failed to win, a debate with them; persistently doing so is likely to get you nominated for Kook Awards. That someone fails to perceive the self-evident, unassailable wisdom of your viewpoint does not, in and of itself, constitute Kookery.

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9. What are the Kook Awards?

The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks offers a variety of widely-recognized and highly dubious honors for your service, applying to net.kooks everywhere. They recognize several kinds and many levels of net.kookery.

Here is a detailed list of AUK awards and descriptions.

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10. Who the FSCK appointed YOU net.kookologist/god/nazi etc.

Nobody. We have a Gift.

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11. Are there any holidays in AUK?

Why yes, there sure are:

  • March 30th - CALL to ARMMs

    Commemorating the earliest most virulent Kook post flood of Usenet, and the great flamewar that followed in its wake.

  • June 26th - KOOKS DAY

    Named in commemoration of Earl Curley checking into the Motel Deep 6 to serve a major in the pine penalty box, the same date as Edmond Wollmann got arrested riding the San Clemente railway...on his motorcycle.

  • August 15th - DEAD DOC TAVISH DAY

    Named in honor of the death of one of Usenet's most famed identities due to excessive Usenet exposure; his virtual corpse is buried in a rural cemetery near New Bremen, Texas

  • September 10th - KAZOO DAY

    This holiday commemorates Raymond Ronald "Kazoo" Karczewski's conviction for seven felonies. May Raymold be a warning to all kooks who are tempted to think that a "Sovereign Christ" is above the law.

  • December 20th - AUK BIRTHDAY

    The anniversary of the newgrouping of alt.usenet.kooks

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12. What should I do if I'm paged on the Red Courtesy Telephone?

Give the caller Gandalf the Gray's speech to the demon. Verbatim.

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13. Is alt.usenet.kooks archived anywhere?

Why would you even *want* to know?

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14. What should we do about the book?

Burn it.

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15. Where can I find out more about net.kooks?

Several mini-FAQs on classic kooks of the past and present (along with several non-kooky legendary netters) are available on the World Wide Web in various archives. Be sure to set aside coffee and cats before reading.

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16. What are the AUK Offices?

As well as the kook awards, kooks may compete to hold office for a month or longer. Nominations are made in exactly the same way as for awards; the difference is that the previous holder of the office always appears on the ballot paper when a new candidate emerges, and the winner remains in office until challenged again. At present, the offices are as follows.

  • Darth Bawl -

    This office is held by Usenet's biggest crybaby.

  • Village Idiot -

    The name says it all.

  • Kooki Information Minister -

    Named in honour of Iraq's Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, this office is held by the kook whose claims are most noticeably at variance with known facts.

  • Ministry of Circle Jerks -

    Although many kooks are lone wolves, a few like to make friends with those who are as delusional as themselves. This office rewards the slurpfests that often ensue.

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17. Are there any net.kook awards outside of AUK?

At various points of time there have been several, from the Christian groups' Steebie Award to alt.fan.art-bell's Angstrom Medal. At least two newsgroups, talk.politics.guns and comp.systems.mac.advocacy, have given out their own Kook of the Month awards. Check around from time to time to see what other net.kook awards might be around.

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18. What is the Cabal?

From the beginning of Usenet time, there has been but one force capable of holding it in check to remain in the realm of mortal existence. For today's Usenet world you need a Giant. A Behemoth. A Cabal of IMMENSE PROPORTIONS. A REALLY *BIG*CABAL* to offer all news ORDER.

Within this force is the most ruthless and efficient organization on all Usenet, known as the Cabal Obsidian Order (COO). If *YOU* wish to know of this entity, read, learn, and do as you will.

SEE THE LIGHT OF COLLECTIVE WISDOM!!!

A. I *SAID*, what is the CABAL?

There Is No Cabal. Long Live The Cabal.

B. How does the Cabal function??

As well as any apocryphal organization can hope to function.

C. What are the weaknesses of the Cabal?

<chortle> What weaknesses?

D. What is the hierarchy and power structure of the Cabal?

Oh, you don't need to know that. Really. You can trust us, especially when it comes to information you haven't paid for.

E. What is the Cabal Obsidian Order?

The Cabal Obsidian Order (COO) is a profoundly secret collective of operatives designed to outrun, outgun and Eliminate the most vile scum and villainy the net has to offer.

F. How do I know if the COO is responsible for something?

If the COO's operatives are doing their job correctly, they'll be laughing at whoever is actually responsible.

G. Who are the leaders of the COO?

Leaders? Where we function we don't need Leaders.

H. What is the Beer Fund?

The more you contribute to it, the more we will tell you.

I. How may I apply to become an operative of the COO?

Pitiful begging at the Vote Wrangler's feet might help. Then again it might not.

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19. Who is the FNVW?

Why, our highly esteemed Friendly Neighbourhood Vote Wrangler (FNVW), whose benevolent supreme dictatorship runs the electoral wheels of our great realm. Seven fearless folk have served, with distinction:

AUK VOTE WRANGLERS

  • Craig Dickson (1994-1995)
  • Matthew Legare (1995-1997)
  • Killfile Daemons (1997)
  • Robbie Honerkamp (1997-1998)
  • Phoenix (1997-2004)
  • Peter J Ross (2004-2006)
  • Sean Monaghan (2006-2006)
  • Pinku-Sensei (2006-2008)
  • Bob Larter (acting FNVW for April/May 2009 ballot)
  • Interregnum (May 2009 - November 2011)  Many pretenders to the throne arose during this time, but none had the backing of Fluffy and the Cabal.  By November 2011, Cabalista forces had driven the pretenders from the field, although sporadic kook guerrilla attacks prevented a ballot being issued until mid-January 2012.
  • Unknown FNVW (November - December 2011)  Well, we (tinw) knew who he/she was, but the kooks did not.
  • Fred Hall (January 2012 - Present)

On retirement, Phoenix accepted the high office of Friendly Neighborhood "Bob"father.

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20. Do I have what it takes to BE a Vote Wrangler?

<chortle> If you have to ask, you don't have what it takes.

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21. Who do you %$#@!s think you are to oppose ME, Lord High Poster-Child of the Macrocosmic Universe?

We are the ones who can and will humiliate your @$$ if you use our group as your personal piss bowl. You are a freak of the universe. You do not give the orders here. And whether you like it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

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22. That was MEAN, just plain MEAN!!!

Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

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23. Should I expect ONE CONSISTENT response to my rude and obnoxious online behavior from the denizens of AUK?

Absolutely NOT.

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24. To whom should I complain if I think I have been treated unfairly?

<Darth Vader>
You think you have been treated unfairly?
</Darth Vader>

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25. What kind of response can I expect as a result of my stupid online behavior at AUK?

Guilty party receives one or a combination thereof of the following assorted reactions (not at all limited to these, mind you):

  1. Complete silence while we blow you off
  2. Complete silence while we reload
  3. Complete silence while we pull the plug on your account
  4. Complete silence while we sleep at the switch
  5. Complete silence while we sleep in our beds
  6. Complete silence while we laugh behind your back
  7. Complete silence while we wipe the splattered food and/or drinks off our screens
  8. Complete silence while we contemplate the known macrocosmic universe
  9. Complete silence while the Vote Wrangler pays good money to watch professional Denver teams find new ways to lose
  10. Complete silence while we bask in the pure glow of our obnoxiously self-righteous selves
  11. Complete silence while we play high-stakes poker with Snoopy, Spike, Andy, Olaf, Marbles and Woodstock
  12. Complete silence while we never notice your NoCeM'd post
  13. Complete silence while we never notice your spam-canceled post
  14. Complete silence while we run your rude and obnoxious posts through goofyizers for reposting
  15. Complete silence while the Trekkies among us watch the USS Defiant blast bad guys' ships into rubble and fly through the debris with that nice hallow of sparks effect
  16. Complete silence while we wait for our Gates-sponsored software systems to uncrash themselves
  17. General laughter at your expense
  18. General laughter and pointing at your expense
  19. General laughter, pointing and personal insults at your expense
  20. Someone exposes your true service provider to the Rabble
  21. Someone does any of 1-20 and reports you to your state's Attorney General
  22. Someone does any of 1-21 and reports you to the FBI National Computer Crime Squad (nccs@fbi.gov)
  23. Someone does any of 1-22 and does highly amusing parodies of you during the entire process
  24. Talk amongst ourselves about life, love and why they sell 8-hot-dog weenie sets with 10-bun packages
  25. Sounds of awe as we wonder with dropped mouths how you were able to make a greater fool of yourself than you already had
  26. Sounds of astonishment as we MARVEL at the FREAK
  27. Flames in your generally specific direction
  28. Flames of you in the third, fourth and fifth person
  29. Flames from the Vote Wrangler from the other side of the Galactic Killfile just to annoy all hell out of you
  30. Nominations for many noteworthy Kook awards

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26. Can I really be kicked off my ISP for...

Being a total @$$hole?

If you try hard enough.

Top-posting like the pathetic imbecile that I am?

Usually not, but we can always try.

Forging someone else's valid e-mail address?

Absolutely.

Posting multiple copies of the same message to individual news groups (Excessive Multi Posting [EMP])?

Of course. It's the SPAMMING, stupid.

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27. Can I really be thrown in jail for posting threatening messages?

Yes. People have been tried and convicted for sending threatening or harassing Email or Usenet posts. We do NOT support censorship of the Internet; however, posting a message stating you are going to cause virtual or unvirtual harm to someone will probably gain you a visit from your Friendly Neighborhood FBI Agent.

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28. Fine. I'll just remain anonymous. That'll work, right?

BWWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try it, pinkboy. An anon remailer service can be forced to turn you in for copyright violation, harrassment, stalking; you name the crime - they've got the time. If you ran an anon remailer service what would be the point of protecting flagrant abusers of the net and the Law??

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29. Okay, then I'll bust your #$%&$*!! @$$ off AUK instead!

Uh... yeah. Many denizens of AUK are abuse admins, know abuse admins, sleep with abuse admins, or otherwise have years of experience dealing with and educating others about precisely your kind of dubiosity. A good account is a terrible thing to waste, so don't sacrifice yours on our altar.

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30. I just realized I am a Maroon. How can I improve my standing in the eyes of the Internet, my balloon doll, and, most importantly, "Bob"?

REPENT. The End is always near.